Let Me Clear My Throat

disciplined. silenced. shattered.
May 11, 2010, 11:26 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

-training to improve strength or self-control
-punish in order to gain control or enforce obedience

One of the countless beautiful things about being a christian is the exhibition of free will. Control is not gained or enforced, it is surrendered. That’s why the second definition is rubbish to me. However, the first one seems to hit dead on for the discipline I am experiencing at the moment. No one tells me what to do at school, it is up to me to make wise decisions and suffer the consequences of not so wise decisions. Discipline is necessary in relationships, friendships, money, family and so much more. Right now, I am exhausted with school, and the discipline and rigor of my Maymester class that consumes 6+ hours of my day is flirting with pushing me over the edge.

-mum, failing to speak or communicate when expected to
-having a frequency below or above the range of human audibility

Jesus has asked for my silence during this time of suffering. I could explain my case for all the reasons why  I desire and deserve a megaphone during this chapter of my life, yet He will not relent in begging for me to just shut up. In honoring this request for silence, I have to cling to the hope that what is being asked of me is something that is “above the range of human audibility.” What’s asked of me is not of this world and doesn’t make sense to a non-believer. This reminds me of a line in one of Francis Chan’s books that states, “Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers. God wants us to trust Him with abandon. He wants to show us how He works and cares for us. He doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come true.”

-To break at once into many pieces; to dash, burst, or part violently into fragments; to rend into splinters

The more violent the breaking, the more beautiful I regard my Savior. My state of brokenness is a result of requested discipline and silence, and it is not a joyful place I want to linger for much longer. (For the record, I cannot wait to write a giddy, happy go lucky post, but I’m just trying to be transparent right now.)

Coming to Jesus with a wounded, broken heart is exactly what He desires. The rending of our hearts simultaneously occurs with clinging desperation to our gracious King. I think Jesus makes it really clear in His word that He wants all or nothing. So, here I am.

Trying to find rest in this bitter sweet surrender,