Let Me Clear My Throat


boiling.
July 7, 2010, 3:02 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Heaven is real.

We get to delight and take part in many glimpses of heaven amidst the dandy stroll through this thing called life. Although there we bask in victory with our savior, let’s not forget the reality that we are at war. Spiritual warfare is an overlooked yet powerful phenomena that I find myself caught in the middle of. After spending a weekend at the beach surrounded by Godly women that have known my heart for years, suited up for battle with me, wept over loss with me, and rejoiced in the harvest with me, I find myself experiencing extreme culture shock having settled into my Marietta home for a couple more weeks of summer. It blows my mind that I can be so drenched and romanced by the holy spirit one second, and in bondage to things of this world in the next moment. Hence, the aforementioned unrelenting tug of war between good and evil for my heart.

But am I allowing myself to be held captive? Are my broken moments reflecting a belief that God isn’t strong enough, or that my God isn’t good? I would never speak such things. Yet the way I deal with loss, brokenness, and lack of control reflects the belief that God isn’t pulling His weight.

Here we are, back at square one. Releasing control of things I so desperately want my say in.

Things of this world, I hate you so bad. All things cancer, I loathe you more. As I write, it requires all that is within me not to smash this laptop. One of the worst things about cancer is that I don’t get to direct my anger at someone specifically, so am I mad at God?

[insert words expressing severe frustration]

For me, I will wait in this weakness, hardship, persecution, and difficulty (2 cor 12:10).

Continuing to sow in tears, and desparately desiring to reap with songs of joy (ps 126),

Stephanie

EDIT 4:33pm

Shortly after my angry post, God pretty much slapped me across the face in a loving way with His truth.

“Remember every road that God led you on for those forty years in the wilderness, pushing you to your limits, testing you so that he would know what you were made of, whether you would keep his commandments or not. He put you through hard times. He made you go hungry. Then he fed you with manna, something neither you nor your parents knew anything about, so you would learn that men and women don’t live by bread only; we live by every word that comes from God’s mouth. Your clothes didn’t wear out and your feet didn’t blister those forty years. You learned deep in your heart that God disciplines you in the same ways a father disciplines his child.” Deuteronomy 8:2-5

Bring it on world.

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